I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
