I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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