Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
