i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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