I want to stick my p in your. b.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
