Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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