Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
