worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
