I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
