Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
