your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
