She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize