How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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