hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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