forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
