turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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