so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize