This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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