At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
