Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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