I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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