are you so shy because you have an std?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize