I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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