We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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