Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
