I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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