he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
