he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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