DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
