He asked me if I "almost moaned"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize