I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
