So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
