can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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