and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
