If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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