Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
