I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize