i was born a porn star she said
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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