I can text with my tongue
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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