I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think your dad took our porno
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
