He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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