you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Found the puke drawer
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
