Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
