He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
