Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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