My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
