i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
