come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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