You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
