mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize