Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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