I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
