What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
