I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
