It was confusing and full of hummus
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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