haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you had me at cake vodka
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
