He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
