I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
