2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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