Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
