I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
