He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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