If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize