Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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