you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize