She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
