I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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