In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
