Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize