I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
