I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
