My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It's just like the Real World with babies
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize