I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
