walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
