sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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